The Northern Quarter, regarded as Manchester’s premier wanker-saturated area, has been chosen as the host for the 2014 Hipster Olympics. It is only the second time the competition has been held in Britain after previously being taking place in a prick infested warehouse in Shoreditch in 1998.
Events at the prestigious games include who can tattoo the quirkiest small moustache on their index finger, owl-knitting, most colourful handlebar ribbons on a bike, high-dive beard toss, 100 metre irony and Noah and the Whale hunting.
Manchester City Councillor Edmund Kevorkian is pleased that the insufferably trendy area has been chosen to host the games. “The event will bring tourism and economic prosperity to the region, so naturally I’m delighted. I obviously don’t frequent the area myself as it’s full of insufferable cunts and I don’t want to spend my time drinking Tizer out of a teapot whilst having a Russian film projected over my face. But many of these kids seem to love that type of complete twattery, so fair enough.”
However, many local residents do not share the same positivity as Councillor Kevorkian. Local resident Gilroy Barista lives just behind one of the Northern Quarter’s hundreds of cupcake shops and is the bassoonist and part-time 8-bit keyboardist in Marcel and the Otters, a ‘performance collective’ who play theme tunes from 90s Nintendo video games in a Hungarian-folk style in round rooms. “It could completely ruin the area” he said whilst blowing bubbles out of his stupid bubble blowing child’s pipe. “At the moment we’re free to race our penny farthings and take photographs with old Polaroid cameras in peace. I’m worried that an event of this size could bring things like Ed Sheeran to the region.”
Northern Quarter venue Common is putting on a celebration event on Tuesday 7th February 2012 to celebrate the region getting the games. The evening will include the showing of a 1968 Lithuanian film through a kaleidoscope and chess played with pygmy marmosets instead of pieces. Tickets can be obtained by ringing the venue and requesting them in Juaneno, an extinct Uto-Aztecan language last used by Native Indians in 1934 but is still used in certain branches of Urban Outfitters.
Lord Sebastian Coe KBE said “What in fuck’s name are you talking about?”