Tesco: they hate you.
Tesco have announced that they will open three new special stores in Autumn 2012 in Manchester City Centre and Salford. The store openings will form part of their new Totally Fucking Destroying Communities programme. The developments will follow the traditional Tesco ethos of attempting to put local shops out of business, but the new programme will mean that these stores will be strategically placed in locations designed to completely piss you off.
“We really went back to the drawing board with this new store development programme”, said Tesco’s Director of Destruction Hades Abaddon.
“We know that we can demolish small businesses in our sleep, we’ve been doing it for years. So the Totally Fucking Destroying Communities programme is all about really understanding what we can do to completely get under your skin. The contempt we’re showing with this programme is like nothing you’ve ever seen”, said Abaddon proudly.
The key aspect of the new store openings will be location.
“The store in Salford will be a brand new building on the site where Salford Lads Club currently stands”, continued Abaddon. “We quickly realised that there was a certain cultural attachment and history associated with that venue so we put in a massive offer to buy it on the ‘promise’ that we’d keep it running as a community centre. So it gives us great satisfaction to now start tearing it down and replacing it with a glass and plastic monstrosity.”
“The service at that store will be so utterly dreadful”, he added with a wistful smile.
Abaddon told News Manc that the other two stores in Manchester City Centre will follow a similar rationale.
“We’ve got a large store planned for where Manchester library currently stands. People think that the rebuilding presently taking place is for a refurbished community facility, but the smile will be wiped off their faces when they see what we’ve done. The new four story development will have 2,000 trolleys but no trolley park. They’ll be all over the fucking the shop.”
The final store is the one that seemed to give Abaddon most pride.
“A Tesco Extra slap bang in the middle of China Town”, he grinned. “A lot of the shops and restaurants in the area were struggling due to the downturn and we wanted to take advantage of that. As part of a share deal done in 2010 we technically own a lot of China so we did a deal with their government ,who in turn put pressure on Manchester City Council to sell us the whole damn area.”
“The new store will be around 11,000 sq ft over two levels and will mean the total destruction of the entire China Town area. Businesses, homes, culture, architecture; everything will go. We’re so proud of this one. We will have a Chinese section in the store, but we’ll purposefully only stock Chow Mein Pot Noodles in it”.
It is believed that no new British jobs will be created due to the developments.
“All building labour will be shipped in cheaply from Peru and the stores will be staffed by robots”, Abaddon told News Manc.
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”, he grinned. “Fucking brilliant.”
www.newsmanc.co.uk
@newsmanc
facebook.com/newsmanc
February 7, 2012 at 09:49
I hear there’s also plans to build a Tesco Express inside the Tesco Metro on Market Street…
February 7, 2012 at 10:09
Best one so far!
February 7, 2012 at 10:37
I thought this was meant to be a spoof news website? when did you change to real news?
February 7, 2012 at 11:13
Can you come to Sale Moor please and save The Midland Balti from becoming a Tesco in the middle of a one way system with no parking?? Ta!
February 7, 2012 at 21:45
Long live the balti. It’s been closing down for the past 18 months.
February 7, 2012 at 22:37
Can I play Devils advocate here and say that if the jaded, tatty, depressing Spar shop in Sale Moor village gets it’s act together, there will be far more of us in opposition to a bright new fresh and shining supermarket to take it’s place. In addition, the current proprieter of the post office (think he may be relief as I sometimes see the original one there) is the most miserable excuse for customer service I have ever set eyes on. (Made me wait 10 minutes in his shop whilst he mopped the floor when all I wanted was to ask if he delivered papers – they don’t.) I’m all for keeping communities alive and kicking but frankly, this one needs a bit of healthy competition. Perhaps not in the form of Tescos but certainly something to shake it up a bit! I am sure the Midland Balti will be delighted to get out of the current eyesore and ‘move up the road’ to their new abode.
February 7, 2012 at 14:27
Class! I’ve offered them my driveway but they say they’re not interested as there are no other shops nearby to destroy..
February 7, 2012 at 14:52
Next door’s been empty for a couple of days,
plus it has a lovely lawn and drive..
I could do with less travelling in this awful weather,
to pick my weekly shop.
February 7, 2012 at 15:22
I’ve heard that 24hour pub licensing was introduced to stop Tesco moving in to your local boozer in the middle of the night.
February 7, 2012 at 20:27
Fantastic…. ties in nicely with this
Why I’d like to live in a TESCO Town.
http://www.gregkeeffe.co.uk/technoscape/The_Technoscape/Entries/2012/1/24_Why_Id_like_to_live_in_TESCO_town.html
February 9, 2012 at 13:20
Whilst out and about in Chorlton on my unicycle yesterday (still trying to source organic bicycle tyres!), I was momentarily distracted by an entertaining mime artist performing outside the post office. But imagine my surprise, when the mime had finished, on discovering that several of my internal organs had been removed and replaced by a new “Tesco Micro”! They must be stopped!
February 10, 2012 at 19:02
Very funny,but like all humour contains more than a grain of truth. Keep it up.