Can you see the hidden camera in that JD Sports advert? It's watching you getting more and more pissed off.
Transport for General Manchester (TfGM) has revealed that for the past seven years the Metrolink transit system has actually been a massive social experiment.
The scientific study, completed in partnership with The University of Manchester and partially funded by The Government, was designed to study the long-term resilience and reaction of the general public in the face of relentless adverse conditions.
“The Government approached us in 2004 with a pot of cash”, said TfGM’s Director of Operations Marsha Sparvagn. “They wanted to replicate the kind of harsh and unpleasant conditions the public may have to face if Britain ever faced a national decline, possibly due to a natural or social disaster, and see how they coped. We’re always up for a giggle so we gave it a whirl.”
Between 2005 and 2012 TfGM enacted a plan which involved subjecting the public to daily unpleasant and mentally disturbing situations, with a team of scientists at The University of Manchester carefully monitoring the results.
“It was just a case of working out what pissed people off”, said Sparvagn. “We have around 300 trams available at Metrolink HQ, but we tend to always send out between 60 and 90 each day just to make sure they were extremely busy and infrequent. And those incredibly dirty, smelly people who come and sit next to you? Actors. We even have around 800 children employed to play the part of obnoxious school kids who are told to swear at you as you attempt your commute. Needless to say, a light dusting of snow doesn’t stop a tram. But it was one of around 70 fake reasons that we used to needlessly stop trams for an hour or two at a time.”
“We always presumed we’d be caught out well before the study was due to conclude”, admitted Sparvagn. “I find it amazing how the public didn’t cotton on to the fact that this was a clearly a test. Constant swallowing of money by ticket machines, zero adherence to timetables, at least three breakdowns a day? We thought we were being too obvious. And we assumed that most people would guess that the complete lack of any digital display giving you information about forthcoming trams was a sure sign that we were fucking with you. Have you ever seen any mass transit system without that type of technology? And yet people seemed fooled by it all.”
Sparvagn smiles when recalling one technique employed during the experiment.
“Some evenings at the Piccadilly Metrolink station we’d just send out tram after tram after tram all to Altrincham. We would use hidden cameras to watch the passengers waiting for Bury and Eccles trams getting more and more irate, yet their patience was astonishing. Some would wait for up to two hours before wandering off to find alternative transport. Never once did they seem to suspect that this was an experiment.”
“We’re amazed at the results”, said Professor Stephen Manderson, who leads The University of Manchester’s Social Research Department.
“Identical experiments were set up at the same time in Bonn, Germany and Arequipa in the Southern region of Peru. In both cases the public reaction was so strong that the experiments were called off after 12 and 18 months respectively. Bonn even saw some rioting. There is certainly something about the will, determination and never give up attitude of the Mancunian mindset which meant we could carry on the experiment for the full seven years. These people would piss in the face of social breakdown.”
The Government is set to use the Metrolink study findings in a new advisory paper on how our armed forces personnel cope with living for months on end in war-torn regions such as Afghanistan and Iraq.
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February 9, 2012 at 20:48
That’s not half as bad as the work the council have been doing on trying to stop people cycling!
February 9, 2012 at 22:33
I fucking knew it! I had to stop getting on at the new Chorlton stop because the tram became covered in beard debris and Guardian trimmings. It was unbearable most days. Almost like being in a tin can full of Noah and the Whaletards. Those little tinkers at BFG or whatever got me proper good.
February 10, 2012 at 09:37
familiar?
February 10, 2012 at 09:42
All the trams to Altrincham? thats a joke. The ‘experiment’ must be to watch as Eccles and Chorlton trams come by, and about 5 people get on them as the platform is heaving waiting for the Altrincham tram.
February 10, 2012 at 10:28
It seems they’ve expanded into Wythenshawe with this experiment but from a different angle. Five years of shutting off random roads and the like, creating traffic jams where none should be and digging up green areas…just to see how we’ll cope!
February 10, 2012 at 17:22
haha you’ve seen the signs saying we apologise for the disruptions which will last until 2016 too then! They’ve dug up my road which is a mile away from where the tram will be going
February 10, 2012 at 11:07
What a load of crap! I don’t believe a word of this article, who on earth would put ‘fuck’ in a new article?!
February 10, 2012 at 12:22
It doesn’t really matter if it’s old or new, they’re just quoting the operators.
February 10, 2012 at 17:28
It’s called satire.
February 10, 2012 at 18:39
Get a brain – it’s a joke you numpty.
February 11, 2012 at 00:03
ha ha at leat one person isnt daft like the rest of the idiots that believe it
February 10, 2012 at 12:36
Knew it! ha ha
February 10, 2012 at 14:24
hi Jill
February 10, 2012 at 13:39
what are the digital displays for?
February 10, 2012 at 14:27
It depends on which device they are attached. The one I have attached to my Difference Engine tell me when the cogs need oiling.
February 10, 2012 at 14:25
I dont believe it either! are they implying that all those that relied on trams to get them into work each and everyday and who could potentially loose their jobs for being constantly late where really being fooled? Is taking part in an experiment without permission legal? If this was all some random horrible hoax then why where people getting fines??? Horrible government life at the moment is hard enough for most people without being messed about with as a joke to see how we would cope? Employing 800 kids to swear at travellers!!!! what sort of message has that given the general public of the youth of today??? Opinions are already bad enough of our young ones….No im not sure i believe this and it has angered me greatly. What about the people who have been attacked, raped and assaulted whilst waiting for trams of which some have been in the news and the papers!!! Is this a joke also??? This has really bloody angered me. Pathetic.!
February 10, 2012 at 15:36
And I’d just like to refer you to the banner at the top of this page m’dear.
February 10, 2012 at 15:47
So you’re telling me, that people were charged approx 5-6 pounds before 9.30am for a SOCIAL experiment?! Just to be pissed about and made to look a fool, with the possibility of even losing their jobs?! IF this article is true (and if that’s the case will make local news) there will be an uproar and everyone who ever used the metrolink service will demand some sort of compensation. I for one, would rather go the long way round and spend an extra half an hour on a bus, then get the metrolink again.
February 10, 2012 at 17:31
It’s taking the piss, it isn’t real. Although all it’s criticisms are true.
February 10, 2012 at 18:37
Dumb ass!
February 10, 2012 at 22:42
FFS. Ever heard of irony? By the way, Coronation Street is all actors as well.
February 10, 2012 at 18:35
Genius, absolute genius!
Loving the indignant comments, almost funnier than the article itself!!!
February 10, 2012 at 18:36
Can’t believe people are actually commenting on this as if it was real!
Get a brain you bunch of nobs.
February 11, 2012 at 18:27
Are they? You don’t really know ….
February 10, 2012 at 18:56
Dont fret folks, generally the people posting comments regarding the articles accuracies are too busy drinking Special Brew and brushing the dried up vomit off their Ugg boots and tracksuits.
February 10, 2012 at 21:36
Top comment! Top article too. I moved here from Newcastle where we’ve had an excellent Metro for 30 years – and we’ve only just learnt last year that if we privatise its operation we too can achieve the same excellence that private operations have achieved on Metrolink… Timetables are for wimps!
February 10, 2012 at 20:37
Hah. Spot on!
Can’t believe how stupid some people are to believe this article though.
February 10, 2012 at 21:37
Jeez, theres some right ‘tards on ere tonight! Their comments are almost as funny as the article! Hahahaha!
February 10, 2012 at 23:28
It says it all about Metrostink that people can read this article and believe it.
February 10, 2012 at 23:48
It’s like Aids. Only yellow.
February 10, 2012 at 23:53
What about the tram stop with no rails? I can see the funny side now ha ha!
February 11, 2012 at 12:09
My Granny (Elsa McCracken) was sent to that women’s nick what Mario Balotelli visited, all because of Metrolink.
All for taking her anger out on a conductor during this ‘experiment’. The poor woman fought for this country (during that dead bad war in the olden days) and now she’s doing a three month stretch in Styall. The stupid git (whom she claims was German) demanded to see her OAP’s pass when she borded at Besses O’Th Barn, to which she replied, ‘just a moment, kind sir.’
He literally grabbed her by the rinse, and pulled her from the tram, demanding to see her credentials or face a minimum fine of 300DM (Deutsch Marks) for non-complience. Needless to say, she whacked the frigger around his chops with her Emily Hannah Originals Club walking rod. And rightly ruddy so, if you ask me.
So off Heinrich goes, to das powers what be.. and lo an’ behold, just as she’s secklin’ down to watch Corrie the following Friday, she gets a knock from the boys in blue AKA pigs.. Six months it went on. Six bloody months. All because her poor arthritic left shoulder wouldn’t allow her to withdraw the specific documentation in time. They asked her in court: if her arm was so bad then how did she manage to muster up such force, that Joe DiMaggio himself would have sloped off for a sneidy ‘power wank’ in celebration.
I won’t rest until I see justice for the lovely old dear (with only one previous conviction). So help me God.
Metrolink – you’ve made a very powerful enemy.
p.s. Out of interest, when will your new station at East Didsbury be opening? Be handy.
February 12, 2012 at 05:00
all sounds very silly to me
LOL
February 12, 2012 at 12:17
What’s a tram again?
February 13, 2012 at 08:28
I knew this news article was fake, Bonn doesn’t even have a tram system! there’s one in neighbouring Koln (Cologne to the Empire), which use the same trams. But funnily enough they have the good sense to put the ticketing boothes on the trams, and they work! That’s German efficiency for you. The bit about the actors playing smelly weirdos who sit uncomforatbly close to you on the tram, that must be true though as I used to live with someone who did that. Didn’t realsie he was getting paid for it though, or even thast he was an actor. Stranger things have happened though!
February 14, 2012 at 08:35
I can’t believe people think this article is real.
February 29, 2012 at 14:06
april fools you dumb arse,s