Manchester City orc Carlos Tevez has offered a ‘sincere and unreserved’ apology to his bank manager, agent, sponsors and other financial advisors.
In an official statement released through the Manchester City FC website the semi-formed striker spoke of his ‘deep regret’ at the £10million in fines he has amassed since fucking off for a three-month golf holiday following a refusal to jog up and down on a small patch of grass as per his contract.
The statement read: “I wish to apologise sincerely to my bank manager Howard Elton at HSBC, my agent and cunt Kia Joorabchian and my financial advisor Sabhia Khan at Growler & Bratwurst.”
“My actions have had a detrimental effect on them and my wish is to now get back to withdrawing as much money as I can from whatever project I’m involved in, whether that’s in Manchester, Paris, Dubai or anywhere else that’s offering the most spondulics.”
“I’m hoping that I can get my head down and concentrate on around two and half months of football before engineering a move to that Russian club that’s paying everyone an absolute shitload. Angie is it? The one Eto’o and Carlos have gone to. Anzhi? Oh, whatever.”
It is not known how Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini will react to Tevez’s apology.
In an interview on Argentinian television Tevez is reported to have said that Mancini had treated him “like a football player” and was continually nagging him to “run up and down and kick spherical objects.”
When asked at a press conference about how he thought the fans would feel about his potential return Tevez sat looking vacant for over two minutes in compete silence. A spokesman for the striker later revealed that he was thinking about golf and money.