NEWS | Metrolink passengers go completely and utterly batshit

March 9, 2012

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An aerial view of Piccadilly Gardens at 7.15pm last night.

Metrolink passengers finally went thoroughly fucking mental last night and laid siege to the city.

Many important buildings and landmarks have either been damaged through fire and rioting or simply razed to the ground.

Residents of the city went all Michael Douglas from Falling Down after services were suspended on the Altrincham line for around 70 minutes during rush hour. Transport for General Manchester (TfGM) blamed the problem on solar flares or “possibly something to do with Libya”.

The trouble is thought to have started at Piccadilly Gardens when a woman dressed in a smart business suit stepped calmly off the platform, stripped naked, smeared herself in some form of red paint and shouted “WAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!” at the top of her voice.

It is thought that a completely incomprehensible message regarding the reasons for the delay was the tipping point.

The woman, who called herself Megatron Naga Chilli 3, appeared to then gather thousands of other followers in some sort of feral tribe who joined her in getting naked and covering themselves in a colour now known as ‘metrolink blood red’.

The group quickly slaughtered Market Street ‘white mime’ Adeipho Mesothelioma before hoisting his body up to the third floor of the outside of City Tower. Many of the group started worshiping the body of Mesothelioma whilst some simply started making love in the presence of his corpse.

Metrolink employees who were directing passengers towards replacement bus services were either thrown through Spar window or simply disemboweled with makeshift spears by naked businessmen with crazed looks in their eyes. Some of the more flamboyant of the group used their internal organs as jewellery.

Around half of the tribe concentrated on setting fire to buildings, overturning cars and bringing Manchester to its fucking knees. It is believed that the Arndale, the Library and most of Market Street have been completely destroyed.

Gary Hooper works as a systems accountant at Gooch & Pickles and was attempting to catch a tram to Timperley. He spoke to News Manc about the recent poor service from Metorlink.

“Aghhggha, ahgaghHGAghhh, GAHAGH GAGHAGHAGHAGAGAagaGGA!! AHHAHAHA, AHAHHAHAHH AHhHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU FUCKERS, YOU FUCKING MASSIVE FUCKING FUCKS. YOU FUCKING BURN. BURN. YOU FUCKING BURNING FUCKS. NGHN. Ngh. NNGGGGN. NGN.”

In Piccadilly Gardens this morning some naked people can still be seen huddled together in the fetal position, quietly sobbing and beating the blood-soaked floor.

Metrolink haven’t apologised but a statement released today said that they were thinking of giving up and retraining as a teacher.

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6 Comments on “NEWS | Metrolink passengers go completely and utterly batshit”

  1. S Says:

    Why Gary Hooper? Again?

    Reply

  2. Philip Says:

    WAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!!!!!

    Reply

  3. paultdavies Says:

    Sooner or later, something like this was bound to happen.

    Reply

  4. zowrr Says:

    I cried with laughter at this, pure genius!

    Reply

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