Coronation Street bosses are bracing themselves for more revelations as long-serving cast member William Roache prepares to release his long-awaited diary-format autobiography Fucking Like a Rock Star.
In his compelling compendium of carnal tales – serialised exclusively in News Manc today – the man best known to millions as Ken Barlow shares the intimate details of over five decades of throwing particles around the large hadron collider.
23rd September 1963
Face like a box of frogs but after three snowballs she went off like a barn door in a storm. Poor oral hygiene though. Mouthwash.
Lovely lass from Wigan. Prawn cocktail and a gammon steak at the Berni Inn followed by half a bottle of Mateus Rose back at Roache Towers. As loose as a taxi driver’s clutch. Flexible.
Christmas party. Got her knicker hamster out after far too much to drink. Not the classiest. Didn’t seem keen at first but told her I’m hung like an Australian parliament. Messy.
Quick feeding of the horse around the back of Shelia’s Wine Bar. It was like Charles Darwin’s beard down there. Textured.
Picked her up in the Quattro and straight back to Roache Villas to introduce her to the custard cannon. Four hours of mexican goldrushing. Achy.
Asked me to dress up as Ken and insisted I put my pubic hair in a side-parting. The request to do a Weatherfield local history role play was a step to far. Possibly mentally ill. She performed like an unpaid Tesco worker. Regrettable.
Jane & Crystal
#785 & 786 ❶❷❸❹❺
First experience of a rock, paper, scissors session. One of them (can’t remember which) had breasts like deployed airbags. Introduced to a new position called the Sudanese Shake ‘n’ Bake. Exhausting.
One of Les Battersby’s cast-offs but I’m not fussy. He’s got a cock like a bookie’s pencil anyway. All night session. She went down on me more often that my BT wireless router. Unquenchable.
Treated her to three trips to the Harvester salad cart. That is a metaphor. Croutons.
Fucking Like a Rock Star by William Roache is out now through Penguin Books and is currently available at Amazon.com for the special price of £7.99.