Twitter is only happy when Elf is on, a study has revealed.

During the daily Channel 4 showing of the film during December the normally uppity, moanfest that is Twitter settles down to being all lovely to one another and quoting lines.

“I’m not sure what it is about Elf.” said Mark Tranton, a 34-year old Twitter user from Manchester.

“Normally I’m bringing up more bile on my Twitter timeline than I would after a 3-day Carlsberg binge.”

“Over the past month I’ve hated people who like royal babies, people who tweet too much about how they hate people who like royal babies, Facebook, people on Facebook, Andy Motherfucking Townsend, X-Factor, people who tweet about how much they like X-Factor, people who tweet too much about how they don’t like X-Factor, footy banter accounts, someone who asked who John Lennon was, Brendan Rodgers’ philosophy, YOLO, that perfume advert where that cunt says “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore”, cunts generally,  Robbie Keane’s goal celebration, Tulisa, Tulisa’s shit tits, whimsical songs in Christmas adverts, the incredibly poor standard of Match Of The Day lately, fuckards who enjoy that stupid Coca-Cola lorry, Christmas markets, Atheists  Christians, Apple, people who like Apple, people who tweet along to Question Time, European football experts, public transport, people who post on Facebook again and Mumford and Fucking Sons.”

“I’m essentially a whirlwind of hate. A left-wing, middle-class dervish of endless mocking and spite. But then Elf comes on and I just tweet things like:

“Elf’s on”.

And:

“SAAAANNNTAAAA!”

“I essentially become a Facebook user.”

Twitter have announced that all posts will be lacking in any hatred today between 17.20 and 19.20 whilst Elf is on.

At 19.21 the social network, formed in 2006, will resume normality by ripping the absolute fuck out of a quite talented person trying to fulfil their dreams on a singing programme.

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The current scene at the Woodlands Road Metrolink station.

Staff at Transport for General Manchester (TfGM) broke out the champagne today after the Oldham Metrolink line smashed a 16 year record for trouble free transportation on the tram network.

The Oldham line, which was suspended this morning, had been running without any problems for a full 12 days since opening on 13th June.

“We’re fucking delighted”, said Marsha Sparvagn, TfGM’s Director of Chaos, Misery and Abandonment.

“Our previous best was a 6-day trouble free stint on the Eccles line back in 1998, but that was only achievable after some serious use of duct tape and a few creative and hastily knocked-up press releases.”

“When we opened this new line we expected it to go down quicker than a Kardashian on camera, so to see it last 12 days is pretty fucking phenomenal.”

“Our office Oldham Line Suspension Sweepstake only had days 1 to 10 available, which gives you an idea of what an achievement this is.”

Services on the Bury line were also suspended this morning.

Passengers on both lines were offered replacement bus services but instead opted to form a primitive tribal group who stripped themselves naked and began worshipping Metrolink ticket machines.

Greater Manchester Police have been called to the scene but an assumed leader of the tribe, believed to be a former accountant called Nigel, fended them off with spears dipped in tram oil.

“It’s an unfortunate situation”, confirmed Sparvagn.

“Still though – 12 fucking days!”

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Diao: not affected by fuel shortages.

An official spokesman for Roy Hodgson has released a strongly worded statement denying rumours that the England manager is behind the Manchester Airport fuel shortage.

Hodgson was seen meeting representatives of the Ellesmere Port fuel refinery that supplies Manchester Airport yesterday.

Although there has been no official word on the subject matter of that meeting many believe it was to ensure that there is no possibility whatsoever of Michael Carrick, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes or any other Manchester United player flying out to Poland or the Ukraine.

A statement released by Hodgson’s representative read: “Roy was simply meeting them to discuss a splendid jacket he’d seen one of their directors wearing.”

“And stop asking us about Rio’s tyres being slashed, that wasn’t Roy. And before you mention it he’s got nowt to do with Carrick’s phone going missing either. So fuck off.”

“However, Roy would like to make it clear to England fans that Liverpool airport still has plenty of fuel and he fully expects Stuart Downing, Jordan Henderson, Steven Gerrard, Martin Kelly, Jay Spearing, Daniel Agger, Martin Skrtel, Pepe Reina and Salif Diao to still be able to fly out and join the four remaining non-Liverpool based England players at their training camp in Ukraine.”

In related news the FA confirmed today that if Martin Kelly gets injured Anton Ferdinand will be called up. Just for a fucking laugh.

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Manchester band Eagle Vs Owl.

Northern Quarter bar Compass have confirmed that they will throw an alternative Jubilee street party this Monday.

The quirky Manchester venue, which attracts hipsters like a craft beer festival at a former flannel shirt warehouse, is chosing to commemorate the 21 year and 5 month reign of Norway’s King Harald V.

“You’ve probably never heard of him”, said Compass manager Milo Popping.

“He’s a not very well-known King but he enjoys the laid-back math-rock of Minus The Bear, smokes Lucky Strikes and used to have a pretty gnarly beard. For people in the know he’s the man.”

“And it’s not a celebration as such”, continued Popping.

“It’s more just an opportunity to pay some respect to a Monarch who isn’t afraid to bust out a retro ’90s boombox and set up a Tumblr dedicated to Murder She Wrote. You don’t see our Queen doing that type of thing.”

The street party will see Manchester lo-fi apathycore band Eagle Vs Owl¡  play their unique brand of 80′s kids TV-show inspired jangle-jazz to a largely ambivalent crowd of trendy 20-somethings who may or may not be carrying some form of ironic accessory.

Popping also spoke to News Manc regarding the decoration: “Bunting is a bit mainstream, so we’ve cut out some octagon shapes from the pages of a book on niche consumerism and are hanging these up instead.”

“Unfortunately during the creative process we completely forgot whether this was an ironic gesture or not so we just need to regroup and have a think.”

Tickets for the event are available from Portland, Oregon and a second-hand bookshop in Bristol.

Compass’s normal Monday evening event, Mindr, which sees people gather together to drink limited edition pale ales whilst a DJ repeatedly plays the theme tune from ’80s criminal underworld-based comedy-drama Minder, has been cancelled.

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Former Hacienda rolled steel joist Peter Hook, who provided over 22 years of internal building support to the iconic venue, is planning the extravaganza this Saturday to celebrate 30 years since the installation of a Vaillant WLX cf50 gas central heating boiler.

“I remember the installation day like it was yesterday”, recalls Hooky, who was speaking to News Manc via an iconic telephone from his Hacienda-themed shed which he built on the site of the former inconic factory where the iconic floorboards for the original iconic Hacienda club were sanded.

“It was 1pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Tony Wilson was there spinning some tunes and I remember Johnny Marr playing Hungry Hippos with Morrissey.”

“Shaun Rider was only 21 at the time, but I vividly remember him sitting in one corner of the club creating a scrapbook commemorating Joy Division’s career alongside Mark E Smith’s uncle and the essence of Liam Gallagher.”

“The Stone Roses were in the basement, carefully carving their first instruments out of the wood sourced from a small coppice of birch trees that had been planted out the back by Dave Haslam.”

“We called the boiler FAC367. We did that with everything – name stuff FAC1, FAC2 etc.. You may want to print that, about the naming thing? Not many people know that.”

“It was a weekday, so I was busy painting my naked body with yellow and black stripes. It really was a magical time”, said Hook, a small tear rolling through his wispy beard.

This Saturday will see Dave Haslam and over three revellers take to the utility room of flat 234 in the Hacienda apartment complex, currently owned by marketing executive Claire Marshall who likes Tinie Tempah and drives a Mini.

“We thought it’d be nice to get someone DJing who was there in the heyday, you know?”, added Hook.

“Let’s face it, there’s probably only maybe 200 or 300 of these Hacienda memorial events left over the next ten years, and this will possibly be the only one this week”, warned Haslam.

Everyone has agreed that they will enjoy the evening without getting all nostalgic.

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Reality advert star Simon North.

The star of a series of fly on the wall documentary adverts for BT is being questioned regarding the disappearance of his 20-year old flatmate Anna Tranter.

Manchester student Simon North, 19, was one of three individuals chosen by BT to live rent-free in a Manchester flat in exchange for being continuously filmed for their Infinity Broadband product advertisements.

Over 6,000 students applied for the advertising concept with North being one of three final students chosen. The students subsequently moved in to the flat on Wilmslow Road in Fallowfield in September 2011 with adverts appearing on-screen almost immediately.

In recent months viewers of the adverts have raised concerns over the behaviour of North after observing him seemingly becoming more and more obsessed with his female flatmate.

After receiving a number of e-mails and telephone calls from the public BT released a statement in February which conceded that they had reviewed the controversial advert series but had made the decision to continue them, saying that “North’s flirtations with Tranter simply represents the situation in many normal student living situations.”

Fellow students raised concerns last Thursday after Anna failed to attend a number of lectures.

Police have confirmed that they do not know the whereabouts of Anna are questioning North, but were quick to stress that the 19-year old is simply “assisting them with their enquiries.”

A friend of Anna, who did not want to be named, told News Manc that she had contacted BT months ago after Anna shared concerns with her about North.

“We met for a coffee one evening after Christmas and she told me that she thought someone, likely to be Simon, had been going through her underwear drawer when she was out.”

“She also mentioned that she found a copy of Bizarre magazine which had a photograph of her face stuck over the face of every single woman inside.”

“The final straw should have been when she came home to find him naked in her room, wrapped in ethernet cables whilst masturbating to the music from Super Mario 3. She said he was murmuring something about ‘hotspots’ and ‘no one else having her’. The wall was covered in posters of Simon Le Bon.”

“I advised her to contact police at the time, but I’m not sure whether she did or not.”

BT have yet to comment on speculation that they have footage showing North’s alleged worrying behaviour.

An official statement from BT  released earlier today read: “We are cooperating with police and will continue to assist them with their enquiries as best we can”.

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Metrolink’s famous Sale breakdown. This malfunction was later named the 13th best ‘Public Transport Disruption’ in Tram Magazine’s 2001 end of year poll.

Seminal 90s light rail tram system Metrolink have announced they are splitting after 20 years.

The group confirmed that their forthcoming weeks of breakdowns would be their last with their final delays coming during the Stone Roses’ gigs at Heaton Park at the end of June.

“I think we feel that Metrolink has run its course. We’ve been pursing different avenues recently and we’ve just admitted to ourselves that our heart hasn’t been in it for the past few years,” said Director of Operations and rhythm ticket inspector Marsha Sparvagn.

Metrolink were famed for their energetic live delays, erratic and sometimes surprising tram distribution and a refusal to embrace modern technology such as ticket barriers and electronic displays.

Their unique twist on public transport secured them a support slot with legendary London system The Underground in 1997.

Transport magazine Transport Times listed their series of tram breakdowns in 2003 as one of the 50 greatest public transport moments of all time.

However, recently delays have seemed generic and dull compared to earlier efforts. Transport Times described their series of March 2012 breakdowns as “predictable, calculated and mundane”.

“We can’t do it to our fans anymore”, said Sparvagn.

“They know us better than anyone and they tell us that the breakdowns, delays and general malfunctions just haven’t been the same as the early years. We purposefully sent 19 trams in a row to Eccles the other week just for the fuck of it, but we soon realised that it just wasn’t giving us the excitement as it did all those years ago.”

“However, we promise fans that the trips to and from The Stone Roses’ gigs will be a best of set. We will completely destroy your travel plans in ways you’ve never even imagined. You’ll be as fucked up as a soup sandwich.”

Metrolink tickets for the final trips at the end of June are already selling on eBay for up to four times face value as fans clamour to experience the mass transit system for a final time.

Sparvagn has confirmed that she will be joining Manchester transport system Nightbus.

No official statement has been made to the future of the remaining members of the group, but it’s been rumoured that they could form a poorly managed and unreliable rail network in Scotland.

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The new moon does not support flash and has no USB connectivity but has been described by God as “really shiny” and “effortlessly desirable”.

Moon fan-fucks have been queuing over the past 48-hours to get a glimpse of the new ‘Supermoon’ which will be released to the sky by God this weekend.

The new Supermoon is essentially exactly the same moon as the last one but it appears slightly bigger and brighter in the sky.

There are no known changes to the functionality of the new Supermoon other than a patch upgrade for the Sea of Tranquility, which many users reported as a bug on the previous moon, and a much-needed gravity refresh.

Forston Lick, 23, is a self-confessed ‘Moon freak’ from Didsbury who has queued outside his own house for nearly 40-hours in order to be one of the first to see the new ‘Supermoon’.

“Don’t get me wrong, I loved the old Moon and I’ve been in to every moon God’s brought out. But when I saw prototype photos of the new Supermoon last month I just knew I had to be the first see it. Look at the way it curves. Look at the glow. My dick is currently harder than a Skrillex drop.”

“No, I don’t plan to look at the old moon again. How could I? It’s dead to me now.”

In a recent interview with News Manc the ultimate creator God himself summarised the thinking behind the new moon.

“Every natural satellite of the Earth we’ve released has been beautiful and dramatic, but we’ve taken it a step further with this Supermoon.”

God added: “We’ve upped the brightness significantly and it’ll look slightly bigger to every viewer. We’ve also added three new crescent views every September. Customers will also be pleased to find that it shines for an extra 14 minutes per night on average.”

“But most importantly, we feel that if you look at the old moon you’ll feel slightly dirty inside.”

However, some viewers of the Supermoon have already reported certain problems.

News Manc spoke to one lady in Kettering who can see the Supermoon from outside the front of her house but not from the back. And many moon-based forum users in the South West of England have reported that they can’t see the Supermoon at all. Those that can say they can’t see much difference.

“BUT LOOK HOW FUCKING SHINY IT IS!”, retorted God at a recent press conference.

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Susan Lynas, 32, running through Altrincham earlier today.

Thousands of runners are braving severe drought conditions today for the Greater Manchester marathon.

Athletes are running through areas of barren scorched earth in temperatures of up to 32C as Manchester struggles in an unexpected period of acute dryness.

“Urmston looks more like Dakar this morning”, said Thomas Reid, 24, who is running on behalf of Cancer Research.

“All you can see from the course is miles and miles of arid, parched landscape. It’s desolate. I initially had a goal to complete the marathon in under 4 hours, but my mission now is to simply concentrate on taking on fluids, shielding my head from the unforgiving sun and praying that we just get some rain.”

At mile 16 some runners were seen drinking their own urine as water stations ran dry.

“I had to piss in my bottle and then filter it using my sock”, said one runner we spoke to in Sale, who was sheltering under a makeshift emergency temporary sun-shelter fashioned out of a discarded tarpaulin.

Meteorologists confirmed yesterday that this is the longest dry period Manchester has seen since the famous ‘Madchester Dryness’ of the late eighties.

During a 143-day rainless period in 1989  Mancunians were forced to think of alternative statements to open a conversation with other than: “This weather eh?”

The Environment Agency confirmed yesterday that the North West is still subject to a hose pipe ban and asked people and businesses to use water wisely.

“Ideally we need some rain and some strong winds to spread it all around a bit”, said Davy Moyene, National Drought Co-ordinator at the Agency.

“Goodness knows when we’ll get that though”, he added sadly.