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Former Hacienda rolled steel joist Peter Hook, who provided over 22 years of internal building support to the iconic venue, is planning the extravaganza this Saturday to celebrate 30 years since the installation of a Vaillant WLX cf50 gas central heating boiler.

“I remember the installation day like it was yesterday”, recalls Hooky, who was speaking to News Manc via an iconic telephone from his Hacienda-themed shed which he built on the site of the former inconic factory where the iconic floorboards for the original iconic Hacienda club were sanded.

“It was 1pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Tony Wilson was there spinning some tunes and I remember Johnny Marr playing Hungry Hippos with Morrissey.”

“Shaun Rider was only 21 at the time, but I vividly remember him sitting in one corner of the club creating a scrapbook commemorating Joy Division’s career alongside Mark E Smith’s uncle and the essence of Liam Gallagher.”

“The Stone Roses were in the basement, carefully carving their first instruments out of the wood sourced from a small coppice of birch trees that had been planted out the back by Dave Haslam.”

“We called the boiler FAC367. We did that with everything – name stuff FAC1, FAC2 etc.. You may want to print that, about the naming thing? Not many people know that.”

“It was a weekday, so I was busy painting my naked body with yellow and black stripes. It really was a magical time”, said Hook, a small tear rolling through his wispy beard.

This Saturday will see Dave Haslam and over three revellers take to the utility room of flat 234 in the Hacienda apartment complex, currently owned by marketing executive Claire Marshall who likes Tinie Tempah and drives a Mini.

“We thought it’d be nice to get someone DJing who was there in the heyday, you know?”, added Hook.

“Let’s face it, there’s probably only maybe 200 or 300 of these Hacienda memorial events left over the next ten years, and this will possibly be the only one this week”, warned Haslam.

Everyone has agreed that they will enjoy the evening without getting all nostalgic.

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Reality advert star Simon North.

The star of a series of fly on the wall documentary adverts for BT is being questioned regarding the disappearance of his 20-year old flatmate Anna Tranter.

Manchester student Simon North, 19, was one of three individuals chosen by BT to live rent-free in a Manchester flat in exchange for being continuously filmed for their Infinity Broadband product advertisements.

Over 6,000 students applied for the advertising concept with North being one of three final students chosen. The students subsequently moved in to the flat on Wilmslow Road in Fallowfield in September 2011 with adverts appearing on-screen almost immediately.

In recent months viewers of the adverts have raised concerns over the behaviour of North after observing him seemingly becoming more and more obsessed with his female flatmate.

After receiving a number of e-mails and telephone calls from the public BT released a statement in February which conceded that they had reviewed the controversial advert series but had made the decision to continue them, saying that “North’s flirtations with Tranter simply represents the situation in many normal student living situations.”

Fellow students raised concerns last Thursday after Anna failed to attend a number of lectures.

Police have confirmed that they do not know the whereabouts of Anna are questioning North, but were quick to stress that the 19-year old is simply “assisting them with their enquiries.”

A friend of Anna, who did not want to be named, told News Manc that she had contacted BT months ago after Anna shared concerns with her about North.

“We met for a coffee one evening after Christmas and she told me that she thought someone, likely to be Simon, had been going through her underwear drawer when she was out.”

“She also mentioned that she found a copy of Bizarre magazine which had a photograph of her face stuck over the face of every single woman inside.”

“The final straw should have been when she came home to find him naked in her room, wrapped in ethernet cables whilst masturbating to the music from Super Mario 3. She said he was murmuring something about ‘hotspots’ and ‘no one else having her’. The wall was covered in posters of Simon Le Bon.”

“I advised her to contact police at the time, but I’m not sure whether she did or not.”

BT have yet to comment on speculation that they have footage showing North’s alleged worrying behaviour.

An official statement from BT  released earlier today read: “We are cooperating with police and will continue to assist them with their enquiries as best we can”.

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Metrolink’s famous Sale breakdown. This malfunction was later named the 13th best ‘Public Transport Disruption’ in Tram Magazine’s 2001 end of year poll.

Seminal 90s light rail tram system Metrolink have announced they are splitting after 20 years.

The group confirmed that their forthcoming weeks of breakdowns would be their last with their final delays coming during the Stone Roses’ gigs at Heaton Park at the end of June.

“I think we feel that Metrolink has run its course. We’ve been pursing different avenues recently and we’ve just admitted to ourselves that our heart hasn’t been in it for the past few years,” said Director of Operations and rhythm ticket inspector Marsha Sparvagn.

Metrolink were famed for their energetic live delays, erratic and sometimes surprising tram distribution and a refusal to embrace modern technology such as ticket barriers and electronic displays.

Their unique twist on public transport secured them a support slot with legendary London system The Underground in 1997.

Transport magazine Transport Times listed their series of tram breakdowns in 2003 as one of the 50 greatest public transport moments of all time.

However, recently delays have seemed generic and dull compared to earlier efforts. Transport Times described their series of March 2012 breakdowns as “predictable, calculated and mundane”.

“We can’t do it to our fans anymore”, said Sparvagn.

“They know us better than anyone and they tell us that the breakdowns, delays and general malfunctions just haven’t been the same as the early years. We purposefully sent 19 trams in a row to Eccles the other week just for the fuck of it, but we soon realised that it just wasn’t giving us the excitement as it did all those years ago.”

“However, we promise fans that the trips to and from The Stone Roses’ gigs will be a best of set. We will completely destroy your travel plans in ways you’ve never even imagined. You’ll be as fucked up as a soup sandwich.”

Metrolink tickets for the final trips at the end of June are already selling on eBay for up to four times face value as fans clamour to experience the mass transit system for a final time.

Sparvagn has confirmed that she will be joining Manchester transport system Nightbus.

No official statement has been made to the future of the remaining members of the group, but it’s been rumoured that they could form a poorly managed and unreliable rail network in Scotland.

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Manchester United’s new crop of midfielders.

Speculation is growing that Manchester City may have exchanged money for players, leading opposing fans to claim that they have ‘bought’ the title.

The Premier League was set up in 1992 as a collective non-profit cooperative with the sole objective of volunteers coming together to mutually benefit society and culture. Rule 3.2.7 prohibits any exchange of money for players or their services.

Since 1992 Manchester United have opted to grow all of their players in small pots on a windowsill in Stretford in a similar method to that used to grow cress.

Sir Alex Ferguson has insisted on only using local, organic soil after attributing Ryan Giggs’ curly chest hair to a particularly good batch of earth.

Since the inception of the Premier League Arsenal has exclusively used the website Gumtree to advertise for all of their players

Gunners midfielder Tomáš Rosický famously signed for the London club after he accidentally happened upon their ‘players wanted’ advert whilst searching the classified site for a replacement rear-wiper blade for his 1998 Hyundai Sonata.

Chelsea assembled much of their 2005/6 Premiership-winning squad from the unsuccessful applicants to Channel 4’s desert island reality television programme Shipwrecked.

And Liverpool’s current squad is entirely made up of discarded public sector managers who are compensated with buttons, small lengths of twine and delicately carved ornate fruit and vegetables, similar to those found in Thai restaurants.

Ian Simms is president of the Manchester United supporters association and spoke to News Manc regarding City’s reported use of financial methods to obtain players.

“It goes against everything the league stands for.”

“When the Premier League was set up everyone agreed that this wasn’t about money, it was about carefully nurturing players in small pots of nutrient-rich soil. Like our ancestors did.”

If City are found guilty their Chief Executive Mark Trimble could be forced to spend the next 12 months on internet forums and social media sites tediously debating what actually constitutes ‘buying a title’.

“To be fair, that does sound a bit harsh”, admitted Simms.

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The new moon does not support flash and has no USB connectivity but has been described by God as “really shiny” and “effortlessly desirable”.

Moon fan-fucks have been queuing over the past 48-hours to get a glimpse of the new ‘Supermoon’ which will be released to the sky by God this weekend.

The new Supermoon is essentially exactly the same moon as the last one but it appears slightly bigger and brighter in the sky.

There are no known changes to the functionality of the new Supermoon other than a patch upgrade for the Sea of Tranquility, which many users reported as a bug on the previous moon, and a much-needed gravity refresh.

Forston Lick, 23, is a self-confessed ‘Moon freak’ from Didsbury who has queued outside his own house for nearly 40-hours in order to be one of the first to see the new ‘Supermoon’.

“Don’t get me wrong, I loved the old Moon and I’ve been in to every moon God’s brought out. But when I saw prototype photos of the new Supermoon last month I just knew I had to be the first see it. Look at the way it curves. Look at the glow. My dick is currently harder than a Skrillex drop.”

“No, I don’t plan to look at the old moon again. How could I? It’s dead to me now.”

In a recent interview with News Manc the ultimate creator God himself summarised the thinking behind the new moon.

“Every natural satellite of the Earth we’ve released has been beautiful and dramatic, but we’ve taken it a step further with this Supermoon.”

God added: “We’ve upped the brightness significantly and it’ll look slightly bigger to every viewer. We’ve also added three new crescent views every September. Customers will also be pleased to find that it shines for an extra 14 minutes per night on average.”

“But most importantly, we feel that if you look at the old moon you’ll feel slightly dirty inside.”

However, some viewers of the Supermoon have already reported certain problems.

News Manc spoke to one lady in Kettering who can see the Supermoon from outside the front of her house but not from the back. And many moon-based forum users in the South West of England have reported that they can’t see the Supermoon at all. Those that can say they can’t see much difference.

“BUT LOOK HOW FUCKING SHINY IT IS!”, retorted God at a recent press conference.

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The rules are simple: when one of the items on the list below occurs note the number of points and add it to your total. For every 100 points scored down a pint of Carling. For any items in bold you must down a shot of sambuca.

You will need: Carling, Sambuca, ITV.

Ex-Liverpool player who played in the 1996 final being asked about ‘those’ white suits (20 points)

Footage shown of Dennis Wise holding his baby and the FA Cup after the 2000 final (20 points)

John Terry or Luis Suarez seen wearing a hood (200 points)

Any player spotted wearing Beats by Dr Dre headphones as they walk from the bus in to Wembley (10 points)

Footage of any player with the lid of the cup on their head (20 points)

Dalglish answering a question with a question. (“Big game for you today isn’t it Kenny?” “I dunno, is it?” “Well, it is isn’t it?” “I really don’t know, why don’t you tell me?” etc.) (100 points)

Wembley being refered to as ‘magnificent’ or ‘hallowed’ (5 points)

Any interview with a foreign player who is due to play in today’s game talking about how the FA Cup final was always a special match for them to watch on television as a child despite not living in England (50 points)

“Greatest Cup Competition In The Word” (5 points)

Any mention of how many countries this is being show in, or the total TV audience in billions (30 points)

Any shot of a tin-foil cup (10 points)

An incredibly serious piece to camera from Gabriel Clarke (200 points)

Any shot of a face-painted child (10 points)

Jan Molby (100 points)

Adrian Chiles does an impression of Roy Hodgson (80 points)

Roy Keane smiling (50 points)

Any discussion around European club cup competitions not having the same interest as the FA Cup (40 points)

Frank Leboeuf (100 points)

Roy Keane finally taking out Adrian Chiles with a meathook (300 points)

Any fan giving a prediction on Wembley Way (20 points)

Reference to Liverpool’s heroics in Instanbul (5 points)

Chiles pointing out to Keane that both clubs have had a difficult season and then asking who needs it more. Keane telling him to “shut the fuck up”. Southgate looking on nervously. (150 points)

Susan Lynas, 32, running through Altrincham earlier today.

Thousands of runners are braving severe drought conditions today for the Greater Manchester marathon.

Athletes are running through areas of barren scorched earth in temperatures of up to 32C as Manchester struggles in an unexpected period of acute dryness.

“Urmston looks more like Dakar this morning”, said Thomas Reid, 24, who is running on behalf of Cancer Research.

“All you can see from the course is miles and miles of arid, parched landscape. It’s desolate. I initially had a goal to complete the marathon in under 4 hours, but my mission now is to simply concentrate on taking on fluids, shielding my head from the unforgiving sun and praying that we just get some rain.”

At mile 16 some runners were seen drinking their own urine as water stations ran dry.

“I had to piss in my bottle and then filter it using my sock”, said one runner we spoke to in Sale, who was sheltering under a makeshift emergency temporary sun-shelter fashioned out of a discarded tarpaulin.

Meteorologists confirmed yesterday that this is the longest dry period Manchester has seen since the famous ‘Madchester Dryness’ of the late eighties.

During a 143-day rainless period in 1989  Mancunians were forced to think of alternative statements to open a conversation with other than: “This weather eh?”

The Environment Agency confirmed yesterday that the North West is still subject to a hose pipe ban and asked people and businesses to use water wisely.

“Ideally we need some rain and some strong winds to spread it all around a bit”, said Davy Moyene, National Drought Co-ordinator at the Agency.

“Goodness knows when we’ll get that though”, he added sadly.

Premiership Referee Webb has not trained with the United squad for just over two weeks after picking up knee and ankle knocks in United’s 2-0 away win against Blackburn in early April.

Losing Webb for the crucial game against their local rivals would have been a big blow to the champions in their race to gain a 20^th Premier League title, but Ferguson is now confident that Webb will be available for selection.

“He picked up a few knocks against Blackburn a couple of weeks ago and has worked closely with our medical team since”, said Ferguson.

“We have people who can come in, but injuries to key personnel does unsettle the balance of the team. Chris Foy could do a job for us but Howard really performs for us in the big games.”

“He’s not been training with the other lads but I’ve bought him a brand new whistle and a massive new watch with an automatic five-minute and 30 second countdown timer to use if we’re losing, so hopefully he can hit the ground running.”

Ferguson has also confirmed that he’s been in touch with Sunderland in order to re-sign his defence after Sunday’s comedy show against Everton.

“I gave Martin [O’Neill] a quick call and asked if I could have Phil Bardsley, Wes Brown, Kieran Richardson and John O’Shea back.”

“If not, I have Rio and Chris Smalling available, but unfortunately I made the decision to have Jonny Evans put down on Saturday evening.”

“It seemed the most humane thing to do in the circumstances”, said Ferguson wistfully.

Meanwhile Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini seemed unfazed at the inclusion of Webb in the United squad at this morning’s press conference at City’s training ground.

Mancini told reporters that he felt it was now mathematically impossible for City to catch their rivals and backed United to retain their Premiership crown, win the forthcoming European Championships and at least reach the final rounds of the BBC’s The Voice UK.

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23rd April is often the day chosen by people you added as friends on Facebook, despite not having seen them since school, met them only once on a stag or hen do or only working with them for just three weeks during  your late-teens, to update their status with an incomprehensible copied and pasted racist diatribe under a thinly veiled pretence of mis-placed patriotism.

Jordan Bates, 27, lives in Openshaw and has a Facebook profile picture of himself with no top on.

“I haven’t decided which status update to go with yet”, he admitted.

“There’s a good one about a generic police force going round to pubs and banning the wearing of England shirts as it offends Muslims. Or Buddhists. No, wait, it’s Muslims. It did the rounds last year, but it’s been adapted specially for this year’s St George’s Day with an extra line about how we’re not racist but we need to take a stand for St George’s Day.”

“It finishes with the classic, “I don’t ask you to remove your turban, do I?”, which I quite like. They shouldn’t be able to cover their faces like that. But anyway, we’ll see what mood I’m in tomorrow.”

“Whatever I go with, it’ll probably be in capitals”, he added thoughtfully.

Leanne Smith, 31, is really keen on a flag burning angle.

“My status tomorrow just has to include something about imugrants and how they won’t stop me being patriotic. I also plan to join a group called ‘WE WILL RIOT IF THEY BAN OUR FLAG’ around mid-morning. I’m not sure who ‘they’ are, or whether any flags have actually been burnt, but I think I may post a comment about what they would say if we banned the burka. And that I should be able to morris dance whenever I like. Or something.”

“I’ve got to be honest and say I’m a bit flummoxed by it all.”

On a more positive note the vast majority of the population will not turn to Facebook to commemorate St George’s Day and will instead celebrate by drinking Guinness and wearing a massive hat on the 17th March.

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