NEWS | Northern Quarter chosen as host for 2014 Hipster Olympics

January 23, 2012



Chances are that you bought a coffee from one of these men today.

The Northern Quarter, regarded as Manchester’s premier wanker-saturated area, has been chosen as the host for the 2014 Hipster Olympics. It is only the second time the competition has been held in Britain after previously being taking place in a prick infested warehouse in Shoreditch in 1998.

Events at the prestigious games include who can tattoo the quirkiest small moustache on their index finger, owl-knitting, most colourful handlebar ribbons on a bike, high-dive beard toss, 100 metre irony and Noah and the Whale hunting.

Manchester City Councillor Edmund Kevorkian is pleased that the insufferably trendy area has been chosen to host the games. “The event will bring tourism and economic prosperity to the region, so naturally I’m delighted. I obviously don’t frequent the area myself as it’s full of insufferable cunts and I don’t want to spend my time drinking Tizer out of a teapot whilst having a Russian film projected over my face. But many of these kids seem to love that type of complete twattery, so fair enough.”

However, many local residents do not share the same positivity as Councillor Kevorkian. Local resident Gilroy Barista lives just behind one of the Northern Quarter’s hundreds of cupcake shops and is the bassoonist and part-time 8-bit keyboardist in Marcel and the Otters, a ‘performance collective’ who play theme tunes from 90s Nintendo video games in a Hungarian-folk style in round rooms. “It could completely ruin the area” he said whilst blowing bubbles out of his stupid bubble blowing child’s pipe. “At the moment we’re free to race our penny farthings and take photographs with old Polaroid cameras in peace. I’m worried that an event of this size could bring things like Ed Sheeran to the region.”

Northern Quarter venue Common is putting on a celebration event on Tuesday 7th February 2012 to celebrate the region getting the games. The evening will include the showing of a 1968 Lithuanian film through a kaleidoscope and chess played with pygmy marmosets instead of pieces. Tickets can be obtained by ringing the venue and requesting them in Juaneno, an extinct Uto-Aztecan language last used by Native Indians in 1934 but is still used in certain branches of Urban Outfitters.

Lord Sebastian Coe KBE said “What in fuck’s name are you talking about?”


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135 Comments on “NEWS | Northern Quarter chosen as host for 2014 Hipster Olympics”

  1. Halldor Ragnarsson Says:

    Also it clearly says at top “spoof news website” do not take it too serious ok:)


  2. mike ashworth Says:

    this seems wholly appropriate


  3. not this way that Says:

    I’ve not read so much utter tripe as these comments in years. This was a shitty neglected location detached from the centre of town by the hideous Arndale Centre and known only for its dingy pet shops, dodgy sex shops and wholesale rag trade. Only the Market Restaurant shone like a beacon of hope then Dry Bar put it on the map.

    So what if there’s cafe’s you can’t be arsed with and bars selling over priced bottled lager. Just don’t go to them and don’t take someones idea of fashion as some sort of personal insult. The Hipster is just a thin veneer over a place that is full of creative energy and people just getting on with stuff. The odd beard and check shirt adds a little colour. But it also allows truly original thinkers in fashion, lifestyle or whatever to feel they can somehow fit in somewhere. You may not like what they do or say or stand for but a world of dreary burger chains, supermarkets, Primark and Starbucks is a short walk round the corner and will welcome you with false open smiles and corporate trained customer care.

    For the most part people in the Northern Quarter are friendly and accommodating. Sure there’s dicks who think they’ve got the only phone line direct to the gods of Hip and sneer at the peasant masses in their TKMax best but they sit down to shit like the rest of us. The worst they can do is dis your mountain bike for having too many gears.


  4. Anonymous Says:

    I lived in the Market building for a year and live in Montreal now. It’s hard to tell which city produces more hipsters. The music in Manchester was better I think. Anyway, I miss the Trof Sunday breakfast.


  5. Jonty McCray Says:

    I saw two hipsters stroking each other off in Common the other weekend, true fact.


  6. Anonymous Says:

    Not one person has mentioned the pretentious twats in oi polloi, hipsters with beards selling overpriced raincoats, looking down thier noses at you. They are responsible for the downfall of the NQ!!


  7. Anonymous Says:

    Chorlton is even wankier – it has a shop that does cupcakes for dogs and raiiki for dogs


  8. Vince Says:

    I like Earl Grey tea.


  9. Marion Trapham Says:

    anyway its not even called the northern quater it was called spinsters alley. look it up in the histroy books. marion


  10. peas and glove Says:

    what a funny article. it hasn’t half invoked a reaction in this here internet community, eh? what a lovely time we’re all having…

    I’d like to point out that the common staff are always very nice to me so i don’t know what you guys are doing wrong. maybe they can sense that you hate them. maybe growing a moustache allows you to read minds. that’s just a theory. i will grow a moustache and report back with my findings…


  11. Anonymous Says:

    my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.


  12. Anonymous Says:

    Thank you so much for wasting 5 minutes of my life reading this shite NEXT


  13. w9 form Says:

    i love your blog, i have it in my rss reader and always like new things coming up from it.


  14. Quite Frankly Says:

    I do hope the Rhythmic Yoghurt Knitting will be held in Chorlton.


  15. Liam Gallagher Says:

    fuckin hipsters r rite cunts. luv a pint an a fite in 42s and dancin 2 ma fave tunes. by the way got mi new beady eye album on da way. yer berra fuckin buy it cause i need da moni 4 mi coke problem lol.


  16. William Topping Says:

    You gotta love people arguing against a spoof article. The very definition of being a pretentious cunt.


  17. Likes Big Hands Says:

    Personally I think chess played with pygmy marmosets instead of pieces sounds awesome. I’d go for it for sure. Someone start breeding the things!
    I don’t dress hipster – can’t be bothered – but the bars and shops in northern quarter are enjoyable (well used to be in 2005 when I lived in Machester) and it sounds like the hipsters are having all the fun. The problem is, can we enjoy silly stuff and have a laugh without succumbing to those ghastly glasses?


    • veritieetegalitie Says:

      Couldn’t agree more. Whats more, I’ve just watched Eisenstein’s ‘Battleship Potemkin’ on my forehead whilst drinking a beer that I couldn’t pronounce the name of. Superb night out:)


  18. Paul Says:

    I wish they would all fuck off.


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